JUST ASK! DON'T ASSUME.
Has something like this ever happened to you? You greeted someone and they gave you a rather cold response. You immediately assumed that their coldness was based on what you’d said or done. You trace in your mind the interactions between the two of you in the recent past and reach a conclusion on how you’re probably responsible. Then, you immediately start making excuses in your head so that when that person speaks to you, you react in a defensive manner, not even hearing clearly what was said. And within minutes an unnecessary row ensues.
This is a classic example of what happens when we make an assumption and then act on it.
Making assumptions is something we all are guilty of more than we care to admit. When we do this, we accept something as true or certain without any proof. This habit causes
unnecessary strife in our lives.
Assumptions are like lies. Once you tell a lie you have to tell more lies to cover up the first one. It becomes an endless trail of lies. Assumptions have the same characteristic: one leads to another and as they progress, we jump into more and more conclusions, or rather confusions. People who assume have the unique ability to listen to one story and understand another because they keep making mind connections and drawing conclusions based on false or incomplete information.
WHY DO WE MAKE ASSUMPTIONS?
We make all sorts of assumptions because as we’ve aged, we’ve gathered knowledge that shapes our own point of view and relies on our preconceived notions.
Indeed, our brain works by making assumptions. We draw on our past experiences to find patterns on how the world works. When we encounter new situations, we apply these patterns—or assumptions—to the new environment.
This process saves us the energy of analyzing each situation completely anew.
Another reason why we make assumptions is because we are afraid or too proud to ask questions. We do not want to appear uncool or dumb. We therefore assume that the way we see things is the way things really are. This does not help most of our relationships because not everybody thinks the way we do or makes these brain connections the way we do. Not all our judgment of things or situations is accurate. In fact, a good number of times, we are wrong in our judgment.
WHAT THEN IS THE WAY OUT?
Be sure to admit first that you’re acting or reacting as it were based on assumptions.
Then ask questions. Check your facts. You are new in a place, you don't know how things work, ask!
You greeted a friend, colleague or acquaintance and you got a response that seemed cold, ask why! Someone is being friendly with you, ask! Don't assume that they're hitting on you.
Learn to listen to people too. Sometimes, we draw our wrong conclusions because we weren’t actually listening to them. Therefore, the information we processed from their words turns out to be false or incomplete. Another way to put this is that you should view things from other people’s perspective. That’s why we care to listen, after all, to see understand their point of view.
Another way to stop yourself from assuming is to make positive assumptions. Instead of assuming the worst about your friend who suddenly seems distant and cold, excuse him/her. They could be having a bad day for all you know, and it probably had nothing at all to do with you. That person you greeted who did not see you could be short sighted and without their glasses on or they could have had their minds elsewhere. Channel the same thoughts that led you to making negative assumptions into excusing other people.
By Akinwumi Olive
Member of NIMELSSA EDITORIAL TEAM 19/20.
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